tekler: (Default)
Ya' know, I really hope that we get invaded by intergalactic slavers and sold to a mining colony a few galaxies away. Then I won't have to listen to anymore of this fucking political bullshit every time there's an election. Carlin was right. The whole thing is a fucking dog and pony show and I'll be glad to get it over and move on with my fucking life. I have cat videos to watch, and global warming to ignore.
tekler: (Default)
So here I am, posting in a blog that no one will read because my online social skills are about the same as my real life ones. And by that I mean they comfortably nestle somewhere in between Howard Hugues, minus the limitless wealth and the pee-jars, and an alien that can only communicate via the ancient art of copromancy. Needless to say, an extrovert I aint.
Don't really know why I'm doing this. It just sort of happened. I was trolling the net, as I like to do due to the fact that my brain doesn't like to shut off when I tell it to so wandering the darkened halls of the internet at two in the morning is perfectly normal to me, and I stumbled on this blog. I figured it would have been deleted due to four-plus years of fucking inactivity. But apparently It's the Penelope to my Odysseus and, by god, if it takes twenty years, it's going to wait for me. So I poked around, looked at the few posts I made and the one example of crappy writing that I puked out one night and randomly decided to do this. That's about all there is to it. I just sort of do things sometimes. Who knows when I'll do it again. I'd like to make this a regular thing, but since this is basically me talking to myself on the internet, I don't know if I really want to wander down that rabbit hole of crazy just yet. I mean, after that, it's all tinfoil hats, and sincerely believing that Alex Trebec is actually the earthly manifestation of Nyarlathotep.
So, anyway. This is Tekler, posting into the void. Maybe I'll see this four years from now and we can do this all over again. So, in closing, I'll leave you all with a little bit of poetry that I found once, carved into the desk of a high school study hall.

I once was here, but now am gone.
I left these words to carry on.
Those who knew me, knew me well.
Those who didn't can go to Hell.

See you, space cowboy.
tekler: (Default)
  So [personal profile] tiny_tin_spider talked me into doing a dramatic reading of someone's truly horrendous fanfic. So, yeah. This happened.



Gather round children. And listen to ol' unca Tekler as he regales you with the story of how Belle farted, and saved the day.

Jesus, I need a hobby.

Derp

Dec. 24th, 2010 01:18 am
tekler: (Default)
An addendum to my last post. I am apparently far too lacking in the brain meats to figure out how to do a cut so you get the story in one big block. Pardon my dumbditude.

Well shit.

Dec. 24th, 2010 01:08 am
tekler: (Default)
Apparently deep depression and desperation is a rather fertile ground for creation. I still feel like crap but I feel a little bit better after churning this out. I apologize in advance as this is riddled with fuckups. I only gave it a cursory overview after writing it so it's going to be a little bumpy. This came to me all at once and I have no idea where. It's my first attempt at writing something funny. So, enjoy, I guess.

Oh, by the way, if anyone of an impressionable age reads this, there is naughty language within. Nothing worse than some copious f-bombs, but, there it is.

Those Damn Bells

 

Roger despised those fuckers from the Salvation Army and their precious, little bells. Standing there with their quaint, suggestive kettles like a legless beggar with a tin cup and mournful eyes. He thought it was how they never spoke that irritated him the most. They just expected you pay your tithe. Like it was your civic, fucking, duty to support the the unconscionable wastrels of the world who did little else for their fellow man than take up useful bench space at the park and demonstrate just how much a person can stink of their own urine. They just stared at you, unblinking. Ringing their fucking bell and waiting. Waiting for you to feed the gaping, unquenchable maw of that damn kettle with your hard-earned money and perhaps silence that damn ringing for as long as it takes the doughy-faced fuckers to spit out a staggeringly insincere thanks.

And the ringing. That fucking ringing. Loud as church bells and as incessant as the rising of the sun on a Monday. It starts as a little tinkle like the laughter of a pixie. Almost pleasant, really. That's how they lure you in. You don't even notice it. It just blends into all the other noise around you. Wind. Birds. People talking. Bell. Dog barking. Car noises. Rustling leaves. BELL. Honking horn. Child crying. People cursing. BELL!

That fucking, fucking, bell!

And then, you finally notice it. You can't help but notice it. There they are. Perched like a vulture on a cactus. Like a cat in front of a mouse-hole. Like a snake-oil salesman at a gullible asshole convention. An enthusiastic little tin soldier from the Militant Altruist Brigade and their cute, little kettle.

And of course, their fucking bell.

Roger didn't know who came up with the idea of the bell but every time it's merciless, cacophonous, din invaded his previously peaceful mind, all he could think of was how desperately he wanted said person to develop a particularly determined case of sphincter cancer. Or, perhaps, get beaten to death with a rusty golf club at their child's high-school graduation. Screaming for the help that never comes.

Thoughts like this always made Roger smile. Thoughts like this also kept him out of customer service jobs. And relationships.

Schadenfreude and non sequiturs aside, though, it all boiled down to the bells. Roger could let all the rest of it slide if it wasn't for those damn bells. Roger was actually a reasonable sort of guy. He could have even put up with the bells once and a while. Perhaps every decade or so would have been quite manageable. Roger was not unreasonable. But Roger had one, small, problem.

One of those miserable, money hungry, joy killing, day ruining, fucks had taken up residence just outside of the office where Roger worked, like a squatter in a condemned building.

Every day he heard the ringing. When he came to work. When he left for lunch. When he came back from lunch. When he left work. Sometimes, on a clear day, he swore he could hear the ringing from his office. This of course, was a dubious gripe considering he worked at an insurance agency on the fifty fourth floor. Nonetheless, the fact that he thought he could hear it did prove the veracity of his suffering at the hands, and bells, of those heartless, holiday, debauchers.

Why baby Jesus, why didn't they just stop that ringing?

Roger was now facing down the beast as he had many times before. Standing across the street from the front door of the building where he worked. He had started to hear the ringing, as he usually did, long before he saw the object of his unfettered rage. He had passed the unpleasant sandwich shop around the corner and was listening to a particularly passionate argument between the unkempt, Armenian owner and a customer who had the rather common personality quirk of becoming mildly furious at finding several hairs in his Italian, and then he heard it. The ringing.

The ringing of those fucking bells.

“How easy would it be” Roger thought to himself as he stared down his mortal enemy across four lanes of asphalt and honking metal. “to just trip the miserable fuck in front of a speeding truck.”

Roger was so awash with giddy, school boy, joy at the thought of the bell ringer bouncing down the street like a flabby, shrieking rubber ball that he didn't notice the walk sign had lit up until it became a cautionary flashing hand with only a few seconds left. He bolted across the street under the chorus of blaring horns, stumbled on the curb, nearly tripped into a woman holding a delivery of flowers and when he finally regained his balance he looked up only to gaze into the sulfurous maw of his own personal Hell.

He then noticed that the ringing had stopped.

It was a profound and wondrous silence. He could hear his heart beating. The chirping of birds. The gentle breeze in his ears. The foot steps of people all around him. It was if the volume of the world had been turned up just for him. All was right in Roger's world and he could die a happy man on this little patch of sidewalk. Happy and content in the knowledge that the last thing he heard would not be the banshee's wail of those fucking bells. He could have savored this moment forever.

But life, much like diarrhea, gives little warning before it shits all over you.

He shouldn't have waited. As blissfully seductive as the moment was, he shouldn't have stopped to relish it. He should have ran into his building like a man on fire, dove into the elevator, hid under his desk, and laughed at his good fortune. Laugh, and maybe cry, just a little. Sweet tears of joy.

But he didn't take his chance, and as he looked at the bell ringer, post bliss. He saw them walking over to him. A look of concern, most likely feigned, on their face.

“Shit, fuck, shit!” Roger grumbled to himself in his usually eloquent fashion. He was in for it now. He could normally deter their ruthless advances with deft control of his body language that would have made Marcel Marceau awestruck. Walk fast. Head down. Movement swift and abrupt. It almost always worked. They rarely ever bothered him. This, they must have thought, is a man about town. A man with places to go and corporate ladders to climb. This is not a man to trifle with. To pester with our begging and harassing. This man of action. This executive warrior. This corporate Ubermensch.

This time, unfortunately, Roger was caught flat-footed. He had no defense. They would pine for his money and he would have no escape. No recourse but to concede. To hand over his monetary life blood to these financial vampires. He was undone.

But no. A great surge of defiance rose within him like a bonfire. No. He would not give in. They had no control over him. It like Dear Abby says: “A person cannot take advantage of you without your permission.” And Roger was ever so a fan of Dear Abby.

He felt a swell of confidence building in him as his mortal foe slithered up to him. This day would be different. This day he would make a stand. This day would be the day that he threw off his self imposed shackles of oppression and began his new life as the man that he always dreamed he could be. The man he was born to be.

This day, the ringing would finally stop.

“Mister, are you okay?” The vomitous mass spewed from it's warbling orifice.

“Uh, yeah. I'm fine.” Roger said.

Roger dropped some loose change into the collection kettle with a pitiful rattle.

Tomorrow. Tomorrow would be the day.

 

I give up.

Dec. 23rd, 2010 07:18 pm
tekler: (Default)
To all who give a shit  i.e. no one, I am officially giving up on Christmas. Not just normal throwing in the towel either. I'm talking full on bah humbug, boiled in own pudding, stake of holly through the heart done with the fucking thing. The last few years I've had nothing but shit shoveled in my face around this time of year and I'm done trying to make lemonade. This time around has been the worst and the last few days were the last straw. I quit.
Thank you for your time.
Good night.
tekler: (Default)
Well, this is post nightclub Tekler. Reporting for duty. Like it says up top, this was neither a horrific experience that furthered my transition into a cave hermit. Nor was it a transformative moment that began my metamorphosis into a clubbing man about town. The music was ok. My friend's set was awesome. All video game music all the time. After that, meh. It was passable. Sadly, other than my friend's set, the video game night was distinctly lacking in video game music. But, C'est la vie.
All in all, a good time was had.

In other news. After about three months off I've caught the WoW bug again. Cataclysm is the shit. I don't have the actual expansion. (I'm way behind on those. I'm only up to Burning Crusade.) But the new, fucked up, Azeroth is quite a sight to behold. And all of the little tweaks that Blizzard did to the game engine is a big improvement as well.

So in short: The nightclub didn't traumatize me, and WoW is stealing my life.
tekler: (Default)
So a friend of mine is going to be DJing at a local night club in a few days and really wants me to come. It's going to be an all video game music night so it should be fun. I've never really been to a place like this before. I'm not really a terribly social person, I hate skull-splittingly loud music, and I don't drink so a night club really isn't within my comfort zone.
I plan on hanging far in the back and trying to enjoy the music and avoid the people.
Who knows? Maybe I'll find out that I was just a little social flower waiting to bloom and this was just the push I needed.
Incidentally I have this bridge I'd like to sell.....
tekler: (Default)
I'm not very well accustomed to this whole blog thing, but, no time like the present.
So let's see what I can do with this.

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